did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
