I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
