Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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