hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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