I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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