So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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