So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
