Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
