You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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