So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
smell my finger.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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