You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
