Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
