sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
