My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
