You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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