pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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