Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are a genius and a whore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
