My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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