Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
