You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
is wine microwaveable?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
