Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
