I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
