Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
