If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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