I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
