when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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