3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
