Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
