I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
