what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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