Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
