GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
