my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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