im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
