Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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