at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
