just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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