We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
