walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
