Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
