Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
