Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
