I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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