I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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