you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
