Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
