she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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