I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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