dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
