So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
