we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
