I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
