I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
