You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
