I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
